We've been trying to get pregnant for the past 6 months. This has been our second month consistently tracking. I've had so much anxiety that we won't be able to get pregnant again. It took us 4 years to get Logan but I'm much more educated than I was then. I understand my body more. I was hoping to get pregnant right away and when it didn't happen I started to feel that familiar feeling of disappointment each time my period started.
Most of my friends are having their 2-3 child now. It's hard not to feel left behind. It's hard not to blame myself for not being ready. It's nice to finally admit to myself that I have been comparing my situation to others around me and if I continue this pattern I may end up very discouraged.
So I decided to start putting my scripture study first and foremost. I've reorganized my day and spent the morning pouring over the scriptures. My topic? Motherhood. I tend to let my worth as a mother be determined by how many children I have. I've lost focus on my personal relationship with Heavenly Father. We talk about personal revelation than let other voices impact our choices. I believe in personal revelation. I believe in prophets. One without the other creates an imbalance.
I keep asking myself what is the plan for me? Why am I feeling so confused and discouraged about this upcoming pregnancy? Than I remember the prayer I gave several months ago about whether or not we should pursue having another child. I remember the sweet gift of the spirit that told me yes. I even wrote my thoughts down on a sacrament program and found them this morning as I opened my scriptures.
It was a special morning for me. I'm feeling so much peace and hope. I'm basking in it, rather. I don't know what I'd do without prayer and personal revelation. I don't know what I'd do without the knowledge of the restored gospel. Life would feel so hard.
Even if I never again feel life inside of me I know I can enjoy the blessings being a mother. "And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me." (Mark 9:36-37)
So why stress, Jenn. Just hope and love and be so happy for those around you. You are not behind; you are exactly where you should be.
Wow, this was exactly what I needed to hear today- amazing post, Jenn. I've felt the same way about marriage a lot and it's hard not to compare/despair, but you're so right. When we know we're doing our best and have the Spirit in our daily life we have no need to fear because we are right where we are supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful to know there is a specific and unique plan just for me that will make me the very most happy possible.
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI love you! Thanks for sharing this little bit of insight. It really helped me today to feel more confident in feelings I have been having. It may not make sense to the world but He sees the whole picture.
I totally know how you feel. With all my pregnancy losses I always look around and see everyone around me that has 3 and 4 kids and I think that should be me. I get so frustrated that I can't just have a normal healthy pregnancy. I need to try to focus on being a great mom to my little boy. Thanks for your post, it really helps to have perspective.
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